


Muscle Memory

by Arvak



Series: "I'm About To Break" Linkin Park Hymns to Sadness [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Chester Bennington - Freeform, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Like seriously this is a fic all about suicidal thoughts, Linkin Park - Freeform, M/M, Peter has a heart, Two boys bonding over suicidal tendancies, because that shit is hard and not enough people talk about it, peter is suicidal, peter shows stiles he cares, stiles is suicidal, warning: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:21:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28302243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvak/pseuds/Arvak
Summary: Stiles carries a knife around with him everywhere he goes. He doesn't talk about it, but still it always stays hidden, clipped between his pants' hem and his hip. No one bothers to notice it.But Peter does.And he knows exactly what it's for.
Relationships: Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Series: "I'm About To Break" Linkin Park Hymns to Sadness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074389
Comments: 8
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

Stiles carries a knife around with him everywhere he goes.

There's hardly a question made of it; this town is dangerous - he's simply being prepared. The boy sharpens it every few days. Makes sure there's no nicks in it, otherwise he goes and buys a new one - always the same small, dagger-like pocket knife.

He doesn't talk about it, but still it always stays hidden, clipped between his pants' hem and his hip. At night, it's under his pillow, clutched in his hand. Always.

No one notices it. Or, if they do, they don't think enough of it to say something about it.

But Peter notices it.

And he knows exactly what it's for.

The secret is hidden in the way he holds it sometimes. It is ever so rare that the human allows his pack to see his weakness. He lets them see his frustration, his anger, even his pain sometimes. Lest to allow them to underestimate him - as, for a fact, the most underestimated are thee that are sly, surely more dangerous than the obvious and oblivious.

Though he never shows his _true_ weaknesses.

Peter sees that weakness in the way he holds that precious pocket knife when he's at his most stressed - most fearful - most beat down and exhausted in defeat. His long, nimble fingers wrap around the black handle, blanched white with his grasp. And when he thinks no one sees, he turns the knife in his hand and bends his wrist, pressing the sharpened blade against the inside of his own forearm.

Perhaps its even a subconscious maneuver sometimes.

Muscle memory.

Stiles thinks no one sees. But Peter always sees. He sees the way he twirls it absently as if that knife spent more time in his hand than his pen. He sees the small, barely-there red streaks on the insides of his forearms on stressful days.

And he sees under that constant joy and curiosity; it's not so much a mask, but more of a desperate attempt to wrestle his mind away from the darkness within.

The older wolf has figured the boy out.

Stiles thinks his biggest weakness is his occasional suicidal thoughts.

If only he knew just how wrong he was. Peter knows from experience that the fact that he's still here despite those intrusive thoughts that scream at him to end it all proves that he's stronger than he'd ever imagine.

In truth, the boy's only weakness is the strength of his heart - he'd rather spare his friends and family the pain of seeing him go through hell than confide in someone who could even possibly help him.

Peter took a decision to change that and caught him alone one day. The boy babbled on about the case he was working on, but the wolf grabbed his wrist, catching his attention.

Peter didn't feel the need to express himself through words about this. There just weren't the right words in the English language to tell him how he understood - how he understood deeper than all of the oblivious people who say they understand even when they don't.

So, instead, he pulled Stiles closer, waited until that annoyed look on his face melted away into confused curiosity. Something was on Peter's mind, and Stiles saw that.

Peter slowly turned Stiles' wrist around and glanced down. The boy followed suit, and they both stared at the small red line. He never broke skin when he did it - just pressed the blade against his skin hard enough to hurt - hard enough to know that if he really wanted to, he could pierce his vein and bleed out.

Stiles' whiskey brown eyes met Peter's and there was a guardedness to them. _He knows_ , the boy's thoughts said, and he was scared.

Peter could smell it.

He used the hand that wasn't wrapped around the boy's wrist to hook a finger around the thin chain around his neck. He pulled until the necklace slid out from under his shirt, and he let the weight of his own secret lay against his chest for Stiles to see.

A bullet. A wolfsbane bullet - a strain so aggressively lethal he'd be dead in moments if he was ever shot with it.

He let his fingers slip off of Stiles' skin and walked over to the boy's bed, sliding his hand under his pillow, past the end of the bed, and grabbed the pistol that the boy had hidden there. He walked back over to Stiles, pulled the bullet out of the wire that held it to the necklace, and cleared the pistol's chamber. He slid the bullet in the chamber and cocked it, clicking off the safety all in one swift move.

This bullet that he had laced with wolfsbane had originally come out of Stiles' pistol. It was really quite simple; he wanted the bullet to kill him to come from this boy's gun. No one else's. No one else is allowed to have a hand in the ending of his life. Stiles is the only one Peter wanted to have that claim over him.

He smelled Stiles' anxiety crash into the air when the click of the safety sounded. Peter tilted the gun in his hand, aiming it loosely at his own heart.

"Peter..." the boy said, face blanching under such unexpected danger. His hand twitched as if he wanted to reach out and take the gun for him, or at least aim it elsewhere than Peter's chest.

The werewolf let a small smile tug at his lips. "I know," he said softly. He snapped the safety back on, cleared the chamber and caught his bullet. Looking back at the boy meaningfully, he slowly repeated, "I... know."

With that, he handed the gun back to the boy, put his bullet back on the necklace and hid it back under his shirt. Then, heading for the window, he reached out to trail his fingers over the knife hiding under the boy's hem.

This wouldn't be the last time Stiles sees that bullet.

He'll see it again the day Peter decides to use it.

Or when he gives it back...

One could only hope Peter was as strong as the boy who runs with wolves.


	2. Chester - LP

**_-Numb-_ **

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
A secret I've kept locked away  
No one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show  
They never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head  
For years and years, they've played..._

_Sometimes I remember  
The darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories  
I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go  
And never looking back  
And never moving forward so  
There'd never be a past_

**_-Waiting For The End-_ **

_Waiting for the end to come  
Wishing I had strength to stand  
This is not what I had planned  
It's out of my control  
Flying at the speed of light  
Thoughts were spinning in my head  
So many things were left unsaid  
It's hard to let you go  
  
I know what it takes to move on  
I know how it feels to lie  
All I want to do  
Is trade this life for something new  
Holding on to what I haven't got  
_

_**-Leave Out All The Rest-** _

_I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared  
But no-one would listen, 'cause no-one else cared  
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear  
What am I leaving, when I'm done here?_

_So, if you're asking me, I want you to know_

_When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed  
Don't resent me and, when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest  
Leave out all the rest_

**_-LP-  
_ ** _We miss you, Chester_

  
Your voice pulls me back from the edge, time and time again  
The pain that you bared to the world won't be forgotten

_**Thank you for saving me** _

_**I wish I could've done the same** _


End file.
